Apologies to the people of Georgia (the rough drafts)

“ATLANTA (AP) … As part of the deal, she will serve six years of probation, will be fined $6,000, and will have to write an apology letter to Georgia and its residents…

“… He was sentenced to five years’ probation and 100 hours of community service and was ordered to pay $5,000 in restitution, write an apology letter to Georgia’s residents and testify truthfully at any related future trial.”

To the Citizens of the state of Georgia:

Many people have said that MAGA means never having to say you’re sorry. I may have said that myself a time or two. However, it is my duty under my plea agreement with the Fulton County district attorney’s office to write an apology, so let me say sincerely I am sorry I ever set foot in the jurisdiction of Fani Willis.

(Scratch that.)

Residents of Georgia:

To be clear, I understand that I am to make an apology for the offenses I am pleading guilty to. But let’s just release the Kraken here.

Yes, I lied. But didn’t most of you — well, alright, many of you — want to believe those lies? Plots hatched by dead South American dictators, voting machines programmed to turn landslides upside down — the thicker I laid it on, the more you seemed to go for it. Even the boss himself. And no matter what he tells you now, I was his lawyer back then. One of them, anyway.

If, after three recounts, you still wanted to believe Donald Trump carried the state of Georgia, what difference did a few little whoppers make? I mean, seriously, Hugo Chavez? Weren’t we really all in on this together?

Did I hire techies and scheme to get into a county’s voting machines? Okay, it was one little-bitty county, and the election was already over. Heck, even the riot was over.

If you really want the truth, a lot of you are expecting me to apologize for turning on the former guy. Well, you can forget that. It’s going to be hard enough to keep from getting disbarred, even after I’ve made this deal. Did I mention Dominion is suing me for $1.3 billion?

A lot of people have called me crazy, and when you’re standing next to some old dude with hair dye dripping down the side of his face, you can sure look crazy. But am I crazy enough to face seven felony indictments for someone who, according to him, I didn’t work for? No, I’m not. So you tell me who’s crazy.

(Too much information.)

Georgians:

Perhaps, on occasions like this, it’s best to come straight to the point. So if I’ve terrorized any election workers, if I’ve attempted to disenfranchise any Democrats, if I’ve led any well-meaning people down a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories and crackpot lawyering, let me simply say, sorry!

(Too dismissive.)

To the Citizens of the state of Georgia:

First, let me entirely dissociate myself from the apology of my co-defendant and state for the record that this apology is that of myself alone.

I apologize for devising the scheme through which many Georgians were misled and a few were indicted.

On a personal note, I’m sorry for ignoring Gangster 101. Don’t put stuff in writing. And for not understanding that in Georgia, believing in your own theory doesn’t make it admissible as evidence.

I look forward to apologizing in future venues. Just last week, a fake elector in Michigan agreed to testify in exchange for having all charges dropped against him. There were a lot of fake electors in a lot of states.

Also, I appreciate the opportunity to perform 100 hours of community service and believe that my expertise in cyber currency speculation could be of great benefit to this forward-looking state.

As the state where I have pled to my first felony conviction, Georgia will always hold special meaning to me. To its citizens on both sides of the political divide, I offer my deepest apology. And again, I take no responsibility for any apology by my co-defendant.